Whose Family to Visit for the Holidays
The first holiday season after getting married can feel both exciting and… a little tricky. You’re finally starting traditions as a married couple, but now there’s one big question that can cause a surprising amount of stress: Whose family do we visit for the holidays?
It’s a dilemma almost every couple faces at some point, and while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, there are ways to navigate it gracefully. Here’s how to make the decision, together, and keep your holidays filled with more joy and less tension.
1. Start the Conversation Early
Don’t wait until the week before Thanksgiving to figure this out. Start the conversation early, ideally a month or two before the holidays roll around. Sit down together and talk honestly about what each of your families typically does.
Does your family have a big Thanksgiving dinner every year that you’ve never missed?
Does your partner’s family go all-out for Christmas morning?
Are there cultural or religious traditions that are especially meaningful?
By laying out everyone’s expectations early, you’ll avoid last-minute stress (and potentially hurt feelings).
Pro tip: Write down each family’s key holiday traditions. Sometimes, seeing it on paper helps you realize what’s most important to each of you.
2. Be Honest About What Matters Most
Everyone values the holidays differently. For some, it’s all about family gatherings; for others, it’s more about having a peaceful few days off together.
Talk about what’s most meaningful to you as a couple.
Ask each other:
“Which holiday do you feel most connected to?”
“Which family traditions mean the most to you?”
“How do you imagine spending our holidays in the future?”
If you can identify which holiday carries the most emotional weight for each of you, you can plan around that. For example, maybe Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas with the other makes the most sense.
3. Take Turns (and Stick to It)
One of the simplest and fairest solutions? Alternate holidays.
For example:
Thanksgiving with your family this year, with your spouse’s family next year.
Christmas with your spouse’s family this year, and your family the next.
It’s a clear, predictable system that keeps things even. The key is to stick to it, and resist the temptation to change plans last minute.
If your families live close by, you might even be able to split the day, breakfast or lunch with one family, dinner with the other. But if that sounds more stressful than joyful (hello, traffic and time limits), it’s okay to draw boundaries.
Remember, the goal isn’t to please everyone, it’s to make sure you both feel valued and respected.
4. Create Your Own Traditions
One of the best parts of being newly married is starting your own holiday traditions. Maybe that means having a cozy Christmas Eve just the two of you, hosting a “Friendsgiving,” or baking something special together every year.
When you begin to build your own rituals, it becomes easier to balance family expectations, because you have something that’s uniquely yours.
Even if you’re spending the major holiday days with family, you can still reserve a smaller celebration for just the two of you. For example:
Have your own “mini Christmas” before or after the family gatherings.
Exchange gifts privately before you hit the road.
Cook your favorite holiday meal together when you’re back home.
Your marriage is its own family now, and honoring that with special time together is just as important as visiting relatives.
5. Communicate Boundaries Gently but Clearly
It’s easy to feel pressured by parents or in-laws when you’re newly married. They’re excited to include you, and sometimes that excitement comes with expectations that just aren’t realistic.
If one or both families have a hard time letting go of old traditions, it’s okay to say something like:
“We love spending the holidays with you, but now that we’re married, we’re also figuring out how to make time for both sides and for ourselves.”
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you love your family any less. It means you’re being intentional about how you spend your time and energy and protecting your peace as a couple.
6. Consider Distance and Logistics
Sometimes, the decision isn’t emotional it’s practical.
If your families live far apart, alternating years might be your only realistic option. Traveling to two states (or across the country) in a single holiday weekend can leave you more exhausted than festive.
Consider:
Travel costs (flights, gas, pet sitters, time off work)
Weather concerns (snowstorms, flight delays)
Family health or accessibility issues
A little logistical planning goes a long way. And if one year is too hectic to make the trip, it’s okay to celebrate virtually or plan a special visit another time of year.
7. Keep It About Love, Not Obligation
The holidays can bring up guilt especially when family members express disappointment. But remember: you’re not responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
As long as you’re making thoughtful, fair decisions as a couple, you’re doing the right thing. Don’t let guilt steal the joy from your first holiday season as newlyweds.
Approach every conversation with love. Express gratitude for invitations, explain your decisions with kindness, and remind your families that your love for them hasn’t changed you’re just learning to balance two families now instead of one.
8. Be Flexible (and Graceful) When Plans Change
Life happens weather changes, kids get sick, or someone can’t travel last minute. Try to keep an open heart and a flexible attitude. The most important part of the holidays isn’t the location, it’s the connection.
Sometimes, celebrating a few days before or after the “official” holiday ends up being even more special.
And if one side of the family feels left out this year, remind them that it’s their turn next time or plan a spring visit to make up for it.
9. Remember Why You’re Doing It
At the end of the day, the holidays are about love, gratitude, and connection not about which house you wake up in.
This is your first step in blending two families and building a shared life. It might take a few years to find a rhythm that works for everyone, and that’s okay.
You’ll learn, adjust, and eventually create a holiday season that feels just right for your marriage full of warmth, laughter, and a sense of home no matter where you are.
Final Thoughts
Deciding which family to visit for the holidays after getting married can be a balancing act, but it doesn’t have to be stressful. When you communicate openly, set fair boundaries, and make room for your own traditions, you’ll find a rhythm that honors both families and your marriage.
So whether you’re cozying up at your in-laws’, flying across the country to see your parents, or spending your first Christmas morning just the two of you remember: the holidays aren’t about where you go. They’re about who you’re with, and the love that brought you together in the first place.